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Kelly wondered if her husband, Steve, would remember their 10th anniversary as some years ago he had forgotten. But, this year, Steve remembered and he decided to buy her just the right card thinking that they would have a great anniversary. When he handed her the card, she beamed from ear to ear but when she read it, her expression turned sour. Steve couldn't understand what the problem was until she said, "It's not bad… for a Birthday card!" Steve meant well when he bought the card, but he had failed to check what was written inside it. Steve thought it was an honest mistake however, to Kelly this meant that he didn't care that much and that he is unloving. Hearing Kelly getting angry and saying, "I would rather you hadn't bought me any card at all!" Steve felt disrespected and he coldly said, "Fine. I'm going to the office."
This conflict is not uncommon. Here, it is clear that Kelly felt unloved and Steve felt disrespected. When a woman feels unloved, she will react with no respect. Even though she is not trying to be disrespectful, this is how she appears to her man. When a man feels disrespected, he will react without love. Even though he is not trying to be unloving, he will end up reacting in a way that feels unloving to his wife. Once a couple is in that vicious cycle of feeling unloved and disrespected it can be very difficult to get off. A lot of couples end up wondering, "How did it come to this?" As they know they love each other.
In a research conducted by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs's for his theory on Love and Respect, he has found that although every one of us desire to be loved and respected, women are more likely to prefer being loved while men prefer to be respected. Dr. Eggerich asked a large group of men and women whether they feel unloved or disrespected during a conflict; 83% of men say they feel disrespected and 72% of the women say they feel unloved. If you show disrespect to a woman over and over again, she will say, "How can you say you love me when you treat me so disrespectfully?" When a woman shows disrespect to a man week after week he will say, "Everybody respects me but you, I don't deserve this disrespect."
Women need to be loved.
For women, they want to feel loved and feeling loved means feeling an emotional connection that only they get to receive from their partner. Feeling loved means feeling appreciated, acknowledged and cared for. It means, they want to feel that to their husband they are the most important person, that they are special and they are being placed as number one on his list of priorities. Women often complain about their husbands not being emotionally available, not being involved in the family and excessively self-focused. When a man is emotionally distant from his wife, he is depriving her of her greatest emotional need. Eventually, if this continues with time, she will begin to harbor deep resentment, become exceedingly hostile or even, seek divorce.
Men need to be respected.
For men, respect represents a huge part of their need in every relationships they encounter; work, friendships, family and romance. In romantic relationships, men want to feel like their wives are their number one cheerleader. They want to feel like they are the strongest, bravest, the coolest person in their wives' eyes, regardless of the mistakes he has done or the struggles he goes through. Men crave for their partner's respect and if they feel that their partner behaves disrespectfully towards them it will push their buttons of insecurity. Men who feel disrespected by their wives will eventually become defensive and emotionally withdrawn (or emotionally lashing out), basically he will become unloving.
When a woman feels unloved, she will become critical or has the tendency to display disrespect towards her husband. When a man feels disrespected, he will hesitate to show her love. This is the vicious cycle in a relationship: without love, she will react without respect, and without respect, he will react without love, and so on, and so on.
So, how do we break the cycle if ever we do fall into it? The key is that one of you must be the one to initiate. The husband's love motivates the wife's respect and her respect motivates his love so, if one person does not start then the cycle will always continue.
The solution – healthy cycle:
Ladies, if you want your husband to love and treat you like the queen that you want to be, you must show him respect. Let him know that he is your hero; that he is a strong and capable man. Give him support and encourage him to take risks and face his fears. Go up to your partner randomly and say, "I was thinking of you today about the things I respect about you. And I want you to know that I really respect you." This does not mean that you can never disagree with him however, you can disagree respectfully. It is also important to avoid (as best as you can) criticizing him. If you do want to give him feedbacks, then use the 'sandwich approach'. With every point of constructive feedback they should be 'sandwiched' between two buns of positive affirmation. Be proud of your man, speak positively of him to others and honor him in public. Have faith and believe in him and you will see how open and how much more loving he will be towards you.
Gentlemen, if you want your wife to treat you with respect, you must show her love. It is good to ask yourself or even her the question of what makes your wife feel most loved? Get to know her love language, is it quality time, service, words of affirmation, special gifts or affection? Even asking her this question will already make her feel loved. What does she enjoy? Even if it is not your favorite thing to do, take her to places or do the things she loves. Show her you love her by being there for her, emotionally and physically. Participate in family life and have a good attitude about it. Remember that when your wife reacts with criticize and/or 'nag' it is only because she fears that she is no longer important to you and that you no longer love her. The more loving you are towards her the more she will be respectful towards you, as her fears will dissipate.
What we can all learn from Dr. Emerson Eggerichs's Love and Respect is that women want to connect because it is a huge value to them, but when the men feel disrespected by their wives, they can appear to be this mysterious island that she feels she can never land, as he will not permit her. However, it is through this 'respect talk' that is not demeaning to the woman, does not cause her to lose her sense of self, it does not cause her to lose power actually will open up the spirit of the man. Once the husband gets respect he will connect and once he connects he will become more loving and so the cycle goes on.
Ultimately, every couple faces conflicts no matter what. Conflict is inevitable. The difference between successful couples and unsuccessful couples is not that one has less conflict than the other; it is that one is better at handling those conflicts faster than the others. Even couples who are already aware this need for women to be loved and men to be respected may still fall into the vicious cycle. It is not about never being caught up in the cycle, but about getting out of that cycle faster than other couples would. The ones that have long lasting, healthy and fulfilling marriages are the ones who have practiced the healthy cycle and continue to put an effort into stopping themselves from being in the vicious cycle for too long. This is what will heal a lot of marriages, the awareness for each other's basic needs and the effort we invest in making sure we fulfill those needs.
