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Isn't it such a nice feeling to see your friend happy in their romantic relationship? It can be such a joyful experience when she is with someone who loves them the way you know they deserve to be loved. To see them happy makes you happy. On the other hand, to see them unhappy, makes you want to go out there and have a little word with their spouse, right?
We can be very protective when it comes to our friends and anytime we see them sad or upset it makes us want to do something to make them feel better. But, what happens when you might have to be the bearer of bad news for your friend? When you know that the person they are in a relationship with has cheated on them, should you go and tell your friend immediately or should you keep the information to yourself instead? You may be thinking, "Of course I would tell her, it's silly to even have to question it!" But, we actually advise you to think again.
Telling a friend of yours something that will most likely crush them requires careful thinking and careful steps. There are in fact a lot of factors to take into consideration on whether you should even say something or not. In certain circumstances, it may even be the best thing to not say anything at all whilst in others, you definitely should. Finding out that the person you care about has been betrayed is difficult enough, but the hardest part of all is in deciding whether you should even say anything at all. To help you with this, here are some tips and advice on how to break the bad news in the best way possible and the circumstances of when you actually shouldn't say anything at all.
You Shouldn't Say Anything
The first thing that you want to consider is how close you are to the person that was being cheated on. It all depends on the type of friendship that you have with this person. Sure, they may be a 'friend', but what does that word really mean? Are they an acquaintance, a friend of a friend, a co-worker? How often do you see them around in any social or personal way? Do they share intimate details about their relationship with you? Do you understand the nature of the relationship they have with their partner? It isn't enough that you sometimes see this person or you know of this person but you were never that close in order to be the messenger of bad news. If when answering any of these questions you are unsure or doubtful, then you may not be that close of a friend to be in a position of letting them know what has happened. You don't know them well enough to know whether they are the type of person that would appreciate your honesty.
Consider the fact that you could destroy a relationship, destroy other friendships and maybe even make some enemies of your own along the way. It is quite often that the person who delivers the bad news is the person that also gets thrown under the bus because no one likes to be told something bad like this. Fair enough if you are not that worried in about ruining a friendship that isn't very close but you are not the only outsider in this equation. Not knowing the person well enough means you may not even know what sort of arrangements they might have going on with their partners. For you to come out of the woodworks with this news without knowing any other information about the person or their partner or their relationship, you may be creating an even bigger mess than there already is. It is best not to put yourself in a situation where you don't belong. It is different if the person who has been cheated on is your very own best friend or someone you are very close to, but aside from that, save yourself the trouble.
You Should Definitely Say Something
If the person who is being cheated on were one of your best friends or someone you are close with, then yes, saying something would be the best thing to do. Bare in mind though, that how you go about delivering this message is vitally important and any little bit of mistake could cost you your friendship. There are a lot more things to take into consideration when you unfortunately have to be the one to tell them about what happened.
1. First thing's first is that you must be 110% certain that their partner has definitely cheated. Telling your friend that you think or you feel that their partner might be cheating is like bringing unnecessary war into the relationship. There is nothing worst than being told that your partner cheated and feeling devastated only having to find out later on that they actually didn't. If you are going to say something to your friend there cannot be any maybes – someone must have confessed to you that they're cheating on your friend or you must see it happening first hand. Get your facts straight because there really is no need to stir up the pot with a 'she said, he said' rumor.
2. If after you are more certain that your friend has been cheated on, you probably should take a bit of a breather and calm down first, before going over to your friend's house or call them on the phone to tell them the news right then and there. Remember that how you tell the news will make or break the friendship you have with them. Hearing something like this should be told in the most careful way possible. Do not haste into it – calm down first and then take action.
3. Take some time to chill before telling your friend but do not take too long either. The longer you spend mulling over your decision, the more uncomfortable it can get. If you take weeks or even months before telling your friend, then when you do tell them, they will inevitably ask, "When did this happen?" or "How long have you known?" If they find out that you had known this whole time but decided to not tell them sooner, then they may feel betrayed in a way. Things will not go well for anyone if you wait too long, so it's much better to be quick with this.
4. Be careful in how you actually relay the information. Again, as much as you think you know your friend or their relationship well, there may be certain things that you just don't know about. So, when you say what you know, be sure to say it with regards to their feelings. For example, you could say something like, "Listen, I found out about this and wanted to let you know. I don't know what sort of arrangements you have with your spouse or what situation you both are in at the moment and I am definitely not going to judge, but I feel like I should tell you in case you didn't know."
5. The next thing is to be careful with the way you respond to their response. After knowing what you have told them, they may respond with "Yeah, I know" or they may not. Either way, make sure that you avoid any judgmental language, name calling, blaming words like 'cheating, cheated or cheater'. The key is to not judge or expects your friend to do what you expect them to do, if that is staying in the relationship or leaving. It is not your business what they decide to do with their relationship. You have done your part in relaying something that you feel your friend will appreciate.
6. If your friend were completely unaware of what happened, then they will most likely feel shocked and upset. In fact, they may be so taken aback that they may not even want to believe you and they might get mad at you for saying such a thing. We will never know how anyone will respond to such news. We may think that if it ever happened to us, we would immediately trust the messenger but sometimes things don't go that way in reality. It isn't your place to convince your friend that it had happened until they believe you. Simply relay the message and respect whatever your friend's decision is or else you will end up losing a friend.
Deciding whether or not to say something when we know we should can be the hardest decision to make. Hearing something like this, our immediate response is to obviously let our friend know what had happened but the reality is that it doesn't always go down the way we often hope it would. A lot of the times the person being cheated on ends up shooting the messenger because no one likes to hear such news. However, all we can do as a friend is do our best in relaying the information as respectfully as possible and allowing them the time and space they may need to decide what they want to do with their relationship. Other than that, it is simply not our place to say or do anything further.
