In any type of relationships, mistakes and hurt feelings are bound to happen, it is a part of being human, a part of learning and being better. Particularly in romantic relationships, it is impossible to not make any mistakes and to always do everything right according to our partner. Due to the nature of being human, what we need to accept is that we will do certain things that rubs our partner the wrong way or makes them feel hurt one way or another. The question that we must then ask ourselves is how can we make our relationship is a happy and healthy one even through the mistakes that our partners and we are bound to make? There is a famous quote from the movie Love Story where Ali MacGraw told her love interest that, "Love means never having to say you're sorry." Now, even though that saying would be incredibly wonderful if it was true – however, in reality it is in fact the opposite. The truth is that love actually means always being willing to say we are sorry – no matter what. A relationship cannot have love, emotional connection and longevity if neither party ever apologizes to one another. Without ever saying sorry to our partner would mean to do the relationship a disservice. It is vital for any relationships to survive that both partners master the art of apologizing.
We all know what it feels like to get our feelings hurt and to hear our partner half-heartedly apologizing, which in the end actually make things worse. Apologizing does not only consist of saying, "I'm sorry". The right and most effective way to apologize consists a lot more than only saying those two words. Mastering the art of an apology will allow you to make amends with your partner in ways that will actually make them feel better, make the relationship grow stronger as well as strengthening the emotional bond that you two share together. Let us elaborate on the elements of a good apology through a story about Bill and Kate.
"Bill and Kate had their 3rd year anniversary coming up and were very much looking forward to the special occasion. In the morning of their anniversary, with a lot of anticipation Kate woke up expecting to receive a phone call from her boyfriend Bill, however he hadn't contacted her yet. All the while Bill was busy at work in that particular morning and could not get to Kate right away. When he tried to call finally, she was already feeling upset. Bill tried to explain what had happened however, she already assumed the worst in him - that he had forgotten. This hurt Bill's feelings as he had a romantic surprise planned out for her in the morning but all that was now seen as a lie on Bill's part. Bill felt hurt and unappreciated and became very upset in return."
In this particular story, Kate had felt bad and wanted to apologize to Bill for assuming the negative and blaming him while he had not done anything wrong. However, she knew that just saying sorry would not be enough. Apologizing can really feel uncomfortable and be really difficult to do. So, if we want to apologize, we have to make it count. Here are 4 steps on how to apologize the right way:
Acknowledgement – “What I did wrong…”
The first thing that we need to do when we want to apologize is to take full acknowledgement of the offense by describing exactly what we did wrong. Whatever we may have done to cause our partner any pain, we must acknowledge even though we may not share the same views. With this particular story, Kate could say something like this, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings by jumping into conclusions and assuming that you had forgotten about our anniversary. I shouldn’t have done that. I should have trusted that you had the best intentions at heart because I know how much our anniversary also meant to you and because you wouldn’t do anything to purposely hurt me.” Notice that nowhere in there was there any blame placed upon Bill for the way he ended up feeling. The last thing you want to do is to say, “I am sorry that I hurt your feelings but that’s your own issue”. The fact that we have caused any damage to our partner should already be enough reason to apologize. We must accept the responsibility.
Learning to apologize well is one of the best things we can do to value our partner and our relationship. It is an act of kindness and consideration when we take a step back to say we are sorry for what we have done whether the act was on purpose or not. If we come from a place that is truthful, we are free to move forward whether or not we are forgiven. We are not perfect and can never be perfect anyway, so embrace the art of apologizing because loving someone means that we are willing to say sorry even when it is tough sometimes.
