Photography: Thinkstock Photos
When you marry someone, you also marry their family. Did you think that everyone will get along and you can be the picture perfect big, happy family? Think again. Because in some cases, you might find yourself in the same situation as this wife who told us her story.
"People will tell you that when you marry your husband, you marry his family too. Since my in-laws have become my family, I have come to believe that maybe, family don't always get along. My husband and I grew up in totally different environment. We have different backgrounds and were raised with different values. But, he and I have found common ground. I love him with all my heart, but to tell you the truth, I really don't enjoy spending time with my in-laws. In fact, I'm sick of having to be with these people. We don't have anything in common and most of all, I hate their attitude.
My mother-in-law criticizes every single thing I do, especially when it comes to parenting my child. She is always second-guessing me, even at things that she has had no experience with at all. Yes, I know she got 5 children her own and she's more experienced in motherhood, but that doesn't make her the expert on my own child. It's funny that she teaches me how to handle my child when I'm living with one of hers and he needs a lot of improvement.
The way the whole family treat the little children also gets on my nerves. Their way to relate to my child is not in line with my values. They tend to belittle children, bribe them with sweets, and all the old men (including father-in-law, brother-in-law, and uncle-in-law) smoke inside the house. I'm sick of having to expose my baby to all of their negativity, discouragement and, not to mention, the smoke, and have to pretend that I'm okay with all of it.
Since I can't stand being around my in-laws, I don't see them very often. Sometimes, I even make up excuses to avoid seeing them all together. When we did get together, however, it was always awkward. I am often disgusted by my own behavior around them because I cannot hide my resentment of having to spend time with them. The way I behave and the way I bottle up my feelings are not something I am particularly proud of, and I know my that my husband is the one who is really suffering from all this.
But then I got myself settled down with this issue. I finally realized that the differences between us actually shape our experiences and expectations. Thus, I needed to respond to their bitter critics with something factual, rational and with firm tone to show them that I got my own way to live my life. For instance, one day my mother-in-law mocked me because I told her not to bribe my child with chocolate bar. I felt annoyed, of course, but I chose my battle wisely and responded by saying, "I don't think that children should be taught to accept bribery. Besides, she's allergic to chocolate and I would appreciate if you didn't give her any." I was firm and my mother-in-law, surprisingly for once since I married her son, listened to what I had to say. I think it was because I left out any emotions in conveying the message.
Last but not least, I realized that they're still my family and that brought with it some responsibilities. Because of that, I prefer to avoid confrontation, set boundaries about when they are and are not invited to meddle in my life. For instance, we kept separate lives and kept meetings strictly to obligatory family holidays and events. I pretend to like them, even if I don't, for my husband's sake and for my child's sake. I have made peace with the fact that I am not obligated to love the in-laws but I needed to respect them. To curb bad behavior on my part, I pretend to be happy around them and then I give myself a break for mental health and treat myself to an escape at the nearest coffee house to chill for a good hour."
