Photography: Magnolia Studios
The spender-saver fight
Spender: "Let's go out to dinner tonight"
Saver: "No, restaurants cost too much"
The this way-that way fight
This way: "I'd like a large-screen TV for the family room"
That way: "If we're going to spend that much money, what we need is new furniture"
The now-later fight
Now: "We could use a new car"
Later: "What for? What we have will last a few more years"
Interestingly, the money fight is rarely about money. You're usually fighting for something that brings satisfaction to your life; pleasure, independence, control, freedom or security. Here are some suggestions to combat healthily for a stronger marriage.
Explore Intent, Not Positions
In every fight, listen to your spouse's story before telling yours. What do you want? What does he or she want? Why is the issue so meaningful to you both?
Genuinely ask, "Why is this important to you?" Take the "Let's go to dinner" fight for example. Asking why eating out is so important may reveal that your spouse desperately needs a break from cooking. Now the conversation can move from an argument about money to solving the problem of giving your spouse the much needed rest he or she is longing for.
Don't Debate - Validate
People are more likely to compromise when they believe their opinions matter. Rather than rebut your spouse's point of view, validate it with statements such as "Let me see if I understand what you are saying" or "If I heard you right, what matters to you is…" Avoid bringing up past disagreements with sweeping statements such as "You never…" or "You always…" Your validation communicates respect and love.
In every marriage, money fights are a challenge. But how you have that fight will determine whether the disagreement ends for better or for worse.
Discover how you can fight your way to a better marriage at Connect2 marriage preparation workshop.
This article is contributed by ©2016 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.
