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"Dear Bridestory, I am a little bit confused. I was having arguments with my husband recently to the point where we couldn't have a normal conversation without it turning into a full-blown fight. I was so stressed out so I talked to my mother about it because we are very close. I was hoping to get some advice or feel better afterwards, which I did, but I realized that my mother got very angry with my husband. And now that him and I are doing a lot better, she is still angry with him. I told my husband about it but he just got angry back with me! What did I do wrong? Why is it now backfiring? I don't understand. Please, help! Thank you." – ConfusedWife
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Hi Confused Wife,
First of all, it sucks when all you were trying to do was find a way to make your marriage better by seeking advice from the one person you feel you can trust the most but then it all goes crashing down because of it. One thing you need to know for sure is that you did not necessarily do anything wrong as your intention was only to seek advice. However, in this particular problem, the person you sought advice from happened to also be someone who will for sure take your side no matter what. Let's be honest, when you are a mother and you see your daughter hurting you will do and say whatever it takes to make the pain go away. Your mother hearing your complaints – it seemed like she automatically took offense (as parents will do anyway) and wasn't able to see things clearly even when you and your husband were already making up.
This is the thing; your parents and family will always take your side (no matter what) and when you go to them with your stories, they only hear your side of it, which already makes their judgment subjective and skewed. Not only will they take your side, they will most likely also take offense and have resentments towards your partner. That is just their natural protective tendencies. This is why we would advice that the next time you feel the need to speak to someone about the difficulties you are facing within your marriage (if you cannot talk to your husband) make sure you are careful about who you share things with. You want someone who is capable of being non-judgmental as well as able to see things objectively. This is not to say that you cannot find them within your circle of family or friends. If you have an uncle, aunt, or a cousin who fits this criteria then great, if not, then go to a close friend. The point is that they must be able to be objective.
The first person you should be talking to when there are problems within the marriage is your husband. Sure, we all need some venting sessions with someone aside from our partners once in a while; however, it is important that the conversation of seeking solutions must still be between you and your husband. This is most probably why your husband became very defensive and angry with you when he found out that you spoke to your mother about it. He might have felt a sense of betrayal and preferred you speaking to him directly first rather than going to someone else. He may also feel like his image has been tainted and feel upset that his mother in law might not see him the same way again. There are simply too much feelings being muddled when we involve our parents into our marital issues (whether big or small). It is best to keep things between you and your husband. If you really feel the need to share, then share with someone who can definitely give you an objective point of view and not take anyone's sides. Just choose wisely and you will protect your marriage as well as feel better yourself.
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