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"Dear Bridestory, I have a bit of trouble having standards on the men I date. When it comes to romance, I find myself following my heart entirely to the point of not really thinking things through on a more practical or realistic level. I keep hearing my friends and family telling me that I need to start having standards. But the problem is that I don't think I even know what my standards are and even if I did, I have no idea how to communicate them to the man I want to be with. I need help with this, as it is quite foreign for me. Thank you!" – NoStandardsGirl
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Dear NoStandardsGirl,
First of all, what a really great topic to delve into as you are definitely not the only person who has difficulties when it comes to setting standards in dating. Having standards is like having a guideline of the things you will accept into your life and the things you won't. Remember, that standards in the case of dating must touch on the deeper aspects of that person such as their morals, values, and view on life, priorities, how they treat themselves and other people, etc. If you aren't sure of what you want, it helps to focus on yourself and knowing the person you are in order to understand the kind of man who will be good for you. It also helps if you can start off with the things you do not want and will not accept, which will eventually give you clues on what you do want.
The next step after you have your set of standards is to actually stand by them. There is absolutely no use in knowing what you want and then throwing them out the window when the man you are with do not meet those standards. How you can do this is through communication. Aside from the fact that it will save a lot of time and heartache on your part (by having standards to begin with) what you need to understand is that men love women who have standards. It gives them something to strive for – a challenge almost to achieve in order to be with you. It also shows them the self-respect that you have, which in their eyes is extremely sexy.
What you need to understand is that communicating your standards the best way possible requires a balance of three things; showing him your attraction, letting him know your standards and giving him something to look forward to. For example, after you both have finished your date and he invites you to his house but you feel uncomfortable about it and you want to let him know without sounding rude or rejecting the possibility of a second date - this is the best way to communicate what you want while at the same time letting him know your standards:
"There's a part of me that wants to go with you because I think you're really attractive (1. This creates sparks, desire and tension in a good way) but, that's just not my style – I don't move that quickly (2. He hears your standards). If you want to go out this week or next week however, I'd love that, that would be cool (3. You open the chance for him to step up his game)." The balance of these three things will help you communicate the type of person you are therefore, the type of person you will settle for (your standards), which will make a guywant you more. Try to apply these three things in different situations and you will find yourself being able to show your standards every time without seeming demanding or rejecting the possibility of a relationship to start. Good luck!
Having a slight tug-of-war going on in your heart? Send us your anonymous questions to editorial@bridestory.com. We'd love a chat!
