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"My boyfriend's best friend is a woman and I think I have a problem with it. He is a very friendly person by nature, meaning he would just be as friendly to the ladies as he would be to guys. I can kind of get used to him being friendly to everyone but recently his old friend has come back into his life and is now beginning to be his best friend. I'm worried about having her so close to him. Do you think I should voice my worry and maybe ask my boyfriend to do something about this friendship? I feel uncomfortable and scared at the moment. Thanks." – JealousGirlfriend
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Dear JealousGirlfriend,
It sounds like you feel threatened by the presence of your boyfriend's best friend at the moment and feeling that way in any relationship is never a pleasant feeling to have. For some of us, it can be difficult to understand how guys can be friends with girls without the friendship having some kind of underlying sexual tension. But the truth is, it is possible for females and males to have really close friendships and it being very much platonic. If you want to make this relationship work and remain as healthy as possible, the last thing you would want to do is to control who your boyfriend can and cannot be friends with. Doing that would only create resentment from his part to you. So, before you speak to him about what he should do with this friendship of his please, take into consideration these few things:
Your boyfriend has a responsibility to make you feel as comfortable as possible. If he wants to make the relationship work he has to respect you enough to protect you in this situation. There are two ways your boyfriend can do this, which are by providing transparency and involvement. For example, when it comes to transparency, if he is seeing his friend for lunch he needs to tell you about it. If he is having text conversations with her he needs to be open and honest with you about it because the moment things begin to be hidden that's when problems arise. This does not mean however that you demand to know every single details of their friendship or you begin to snoop around behind his back in order to know. This is should be on his part to do, not yours.
Furthermore, it is not enough for him to be open and honest with you about his friendship, but he also needs to make an effort to involve you in it. Problems arise when your boyfriend tries to separate you from his friendship or tries to keep this part of his life clean from you being involved in it. Involvement does not always have to be physical like asking you join in on their hangout sessions. Involvement can be by him involving you in conversations they are having. He needs to be able to make you feel like you are someone who is involved in the friendship, not someone who is on the outside looking in.
Lastly, when it comes to what you need to do, take into consideration that whatever boundaries or rules you create about what he can and cannot do, they have to be able to endure over the long-term. There are always rules that we create, which makes us feel good in the moment like saying, "you cannot see that person" or "you cannot talk to her", etc. these rules may calm our insecurities for the moment but what they don't do is create a tenable situation for the future. If the boundaries you provide are not sustainable it will create problems for the future. Whatever rules you want to lay down, come from a place of respecting your partner, trusting him and giving him the treatment that you would like to have yourself if you were in the same situation.
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