In every single relationship whether we may like it or not there is not one of us who can live our lives without hurting someone. The bittersweet reality of being human and being in a committed relationship is that from time to time we may feel disappointment, hurt, anger or frustration and the same goes for our partner. It is inevitable that mistakes happen from our side as well as our partner's and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The key is how do we then move forward from those mistakes, whether intentional or not and not allow anger or resentments to weigh us down? It is one thing for us to make the mistakes and to ask for forgiveness from our partners but when the situation is flipped and we are the ones feeling the pain – is it easy for us to offer forgiveness the way our partners may have offered us before? Unfortunately, most of the time it is more difficult to forgive than it is to apologize for our own wrong doings.
One of the biggest reasons why forgiving our partner can be so difficult to do is because when we forgive it means that we are literally willing to receive back into our hearts and into our arms the very person who hurt us. It is a lot easier said than done because although we may want to forgive sometimes it simply is incredibly hard to do especially when a serious wrong has been inflicted. So, why should we forgive when we are obviously hurting? The answer to that is because when we choose to hold on to anger and resentment we are doing more damage to ourselves than if we were to choose to forgive our partners. As Nelson Mandela once said, "Holding on to bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." Nothing good – at all can ever come out of holding a grudge and punishing our partners for the wrongs that they have done. Forgiveness does not mean that we condone the behavior or that we are weak. Forgiving someone in fact, takes a lot of courage and shows how much we truly love our partner. We cannot really love unless we have the heart to forgive after all.
What differentiates a relationship that can last a lifetime from those that cannot is our ability to practice both the art of apologizing and the art of forgiveness (check out our previous article on how to apologize in the best way possible). Therefore, in order to be able to truly be happy and create a long lasting marriage – it is vital that we learn how to forgive well. According to UCLA Psychiatrist Dr. Stephen Marmer there are 3 different types of forgiveness that exist in different situations and provides different results:
Exoneration (the act of setting someone free from blame)
This type of forgiveness is the closest to what we usually think of when we say ‘forgive’. To exonerate means to wipe out the slate entirely clean and to have our relationship be like how it used to be before the mistake happened. To know when we should be exonerating is when these circumstances are happening; first, when we realize that the hurt caused our partner was a genuine accident for which no fault can be assigned. For example, when our partner says or does something that bothers us or hurts us in some way, however they had no intentions of inflicting the pain in the first place. Second, is when our partner shows genuine remorse for what they have done and takes full responsibility for their behaviour without any excuses. Third, is when our partner asks for forgiveness and assures us that it will not happen again. In this type of circumstance, it is important that we choose to forgive our partner if we want to be able to have a long lasting marriage. Not to offer forgiveness in these sort of situations would in fact be harmful to our own well-being and it might even suggest that there might be something more wrong with us than what our partner has done. Because in this matter, our partner has already done everything that he could possibly do from his part to make amends and rebuild the relationship again. The ball would be in our court after this and to choose to hold on to old wounds would mean to choose anger over our partner. It is then our job to offer forgiveness even when it may feel difficult to do at first.
Forgiving our partner may be one of the hardest tasks to do in a marriage especially when the hurt runs very deep. However, when we begin to look at forgiveness as a complex and flexible act that no matter what the circumstances are or however painful it may be, it is always possible for us to forgive. Practicing and mastering the art of apologizing as well as the art of forgiveness on a regular basis will truly create a strong foundation for our marriage to be able to go through all types of challenges. We are working towards a lifetime of journey with our partners after all so; why not invest in being great at saying sorry and offering forgiveness? It will only do us good.
