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It is not an uncommon notion that the first year of marriage for many couples is considered to be one of the hardest years if not the hardest year of their marriage. Many couples say that the first year is particularly difficult because of the huge adjustment they had to make. Going from being single to being some else's life partner, the adjustment of living together, deciding every single thing together and finding out more of each other's habits (most of them bad habits) can bring a lot of challenges into the relationship. It seems that our initial expectations of what marriage might be like during the first year often end up being completely the opposite in reality. But, how true is this? Is it always often the case that the first year of marriage the most difficult year of all? Are there no exceptions or couples who in fact had a wonderful beginning to their marriage? We wanted to get to the bottom of the truth and find out if there really is a contrast between our initial expectations of marriage and the 'reality' that the first year can feel like hell. This time, instead of finding the answers from the ladies, we wanted to ask the gentlemen and get to know their perspectives on the first year of marriage.
We interviewed a fair few of married and unmarried men to get to know their feelings and thoughts as well as experiences when it comes to the first year of marriage. The answers to the question that were given surprised us a little bit, for they led us to the core reasons why some marriages are able to succeed against all odds and why others may not. We will share with you below some of the men's responses to what they really think about the first year of marriage.
What Unmarried Men Expect in Their First Year Of Marriage
"A lot of patience, a lot of changes from the little things such as how to communicate when you're coming home for dinner to the big things like when you want to have kids. A lot of annoyances because you would have to change things that you were used to in your own life. But, essentially there is a good side to it as well, which people should also focus on. I don't think we should assume the worst because we might end up forgetting to actually have fun and enjoy the first year." - 27 years old, unmarried, in a long-term relationship
"If I find the one I expect it to be great and awesome like going on a new adventure. I want it to still be fun and exciting. I know we will get into each other's skin sometimes but that's a part of it. I expect that we are both going to be working and I expect that I will try to get home earlier from work to spend time with her. I expect in the first year I would already be used to the girl and seeing her almost everyday anyway so the only difference a marriage would be is spending 24/7 and spending it with your best friend and someone you love." - 27 years old, unmarried, single
"I think my first year of marriage will be the cliche honeymoon period, that is, going through the days maximizing the level of intimacy with each other, both sexually and non-sexually. Other than interpersonal relationship, the most important thing to do for my first year marriage is family financial planning, which includes children funding, necessary bills, and luxury upgrade planning (when to buy better house etc.). To me, this is something that needs to be done as early as possible so that as a family, we'll be able to withstand financial shocks in the future – because we'll never know what'll happen." - 24 years old, unmarried, single
One thing that we found to be different between unmarried men who were single to those who were in a relationship was that the ones who were in a relationship tend to me a lot more 'realistic'. Meaning that they tend to expect that things will be difficult in the first year of marriage and expecting that they will need to use a lot of patience. Contrast to those men who were actually single, men in relationships understand that marriage will be hard work and will require a lot of effort on both sides to make it work. When it comes to unmarried men who were single however, there seems to be a lot more of hopefulness and excitement. They don't often expect that the first year of marriage will be difficult at all; in fact they expect it to be the most exhilarating of all. Most of them even see it as a new and great adventure they will get to experience with the love of their life. And that the beginning of the marriage will most definitely be the honeymoon period of "we cannot get enough of each other" sort of phase. It is interesting to see that even between single men and men in relationships their expectations of marriage differs quite significantly. Those who have been in long-term relationships seem to expect more difficulties than those who were still single. Let's now take a look at the married men's perspectives on how their first year of marriage was.
What Married Men Said About Their First Year Of Marriage
"It was a great year for me. It was time to cope with the spouse knowing her advantageous and disadvantageous and vice versa. Revealing what perhaps her and I never showed to anyone else. It was the first time to have a new title i.e. a husband and not long after that a father." - 39 years old, married for 13 years
"For sure I was happy. It was kind of the same like when I was in a relationship with my wife, except maybe everything (the good and the bad) gets doubled once we were married. I didn't find the first year of marriage to be particularly difficult. I think it depends on our spouses and how open we are with each other right from the start (before marriage). I spent a lot of my time with my wife when we were dating so it was easier and quicker for us to see each other's true colors therefore easier for us to handle problems in later on in our marriage." - 31 years old, married for 3 years
"It wasn't really anything unexpected. Both my wife and I had basically been a married couple before the wedding. We saw each other everyday (because we worked in the same place), had joint finances, joint investments, mortgage/apartment payments and future planning. We had always been accommodating to each other before the wedding but now that we are married it becomes more difficult because there are more things to consider from the smaller things (how we like to spend the weekend) to the bigger things (life plans, when to have kids, how to raise them). Our honeymoon period was basically the first 2 years of our relationship – once we got married we were too busy organizing our move to another country." - 30 years old, married for 1 year
From the responses of the married men it seemed that their experiences of the first year of marriage depended a whole lot on how the relationship with their spouses were beforehand. Those that have spent quite a great deal amount of quantity as well as quality time with their partners prior to marriage tend to adjust to married life a lot quicker than those who didn't. The message that we received from their experiences is that the more open we are with our partners before marriage the easier it will be to handle marital problems in the future. Being open does not necessarily mean needing a lot of time to date each other before deciding to marry. Instead it means that no matter how long we spend in a relationship with our partner the most important thing is that we are able to completely be ourselves, show our truest colors as a person and for our partners to be able to do the same. It also seems crucial that we are able to talk about serious things such as finances, children, the in-laws and anything else that we feel is important prior to marriage if we want our future to be successful. Challenges in the first year of marriage become overwhelming when we have yet to discuss these important things with our partners.
Think of being open with our partners as an investment for our marriage. The most harmful thing to do to our marriage would be to leave every important discussion until the wedding day has passed. Do not leave things to the last minute. Just because the wedding day has not arrived yet does not mean we should postpone conversations about the future. Have those discussions as soon as we have decided to want to spend the rest of our lives with our partners. By doing this, we will build a strong foundation so that even the adjustment of the first year of marriage will not feel so overwhelming.
