"When you fall in love again, it's funny the other things that come back in with that open-ness. You have this ghost chorus of the lovers who came before, but they're benign now, they're good spirits." - Emma Forrest, British-American author & journalist.
There's nothing wrong with falling in love again even after a previous failed relationship. However, it definitely needs a lot of considerations and the obstacles are undeniable if you wish to tie a knot again. Ghosts of past divorce or losing someone feels like coming back again. It's time for you to have a deep self-reflect, as well as to make a good communication with your partner.
Here are few matters to consider and discuss about when deciding to have a second marriage.
Don't rush
One of your biggest fears after having a separation is probably the celibate. However, it should be the right time for you for a self-reflection. Enjoy your me-time before sharing moments with other. A study from University of Michigan revealed that lacking of personal or me-time moment was the main cause of unhappy marriage. Therefore, instead of making a rush decision, it is better if you independently prepare yourself in advance.
Marry when you want to marry
Being single once again makes you cannot avoid questions, such as "haven't you met a better one, have you?" or "when you're going to walk down the aisle again?". Comments from close people and the surroundings asking you to immediately find the (new) one might be suppressive. Don't listen to them but your own heart and ask yourself on your readiness. If you already have a fiancee, make sure a wish to tie a know comes from both of you.
Learn from the mistakes
Not only you, your partner would probably also carry a guilty feeling of a past failed relationship. Don't be ashamed to admit it and learn from your mistakes. Tina B. Tessina, a psychotherapist and the author of
Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, said, "What you have to admit is not that you are a victim of a bad ex, but that you have learned from the experience." Tessina also added that if you understand your own history, and seek to learn about your partner's, you'll stop repeating past mistakes.
Let go of the past
A divorce or a separation can cause a regret or even an enduring guilt. Give time to grieve for yourself because it is the key to be able to move on. This is highly recommended by Stephen J. Betchen, a marriage consultant and the author of
Magnetic Partners: Discover How the Hidden Conflict That Once Attracted You to Each Other Is Now Driving You Apart. In addition, he suggested to not to bring an unresolved emotional business from the past relationship since it will be bad for the new marriage.
Share dreams and goals
According to 2017 divorce data from Indonesian Religious Courts, the main cause of separation was lasting disputes and debates because there was incompatibility between the marriage couple. Thus, compromising what each other wants and wishes in the marriage life is very important to be discussed in advance. Tessina has also a thought about this, "If you discuss your hopes and dreams about the wedding, sex, and money in advance, you'll get a chance to see how well you work things out together."
Don't stop being romantic
One of the best kept secrets of a long happy marriage is to not stop doing nice and romantic things to your partner, even if it's only a small thing. Psychiatric Scott Haltzman, who also wrote
The Secret of Happy Families, gave an advice, "Continue doing all the nice little things that made you fall for one another - sending flowers and cards, giving massages, cooking favorite dishes. Don't let the romance die." Never losing an eagerness to do such things are one of the signs that you are ready to back in marriage life.
