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In an ideal world, the moment we get married marks the moment that we can be financially independent from our parents and able to start a whole new life together with our spouse. We would have our own house, pay our own bills and have savings in our accounts that could support us for years and years to come. However, in reality this is certainly often not the case for married couples. Sometimes some of us just aren't there yet when it comes to being completely independent and still very much need our parents' help and support. One of the ways that we tend to need our parents' help in is in regards to our living arrangements. Let's face it, it isn't easy to afford a house or an apartment – for some of us we may still need a bit of time to save up to buy our own home. And when this is the case we often end up having to resort to living with either our parents or our in-laws. Although this is certainly not an uncommon situation for married couples to be in, the question then relies on which parents' to live with – our partners or ours?
When your options with living arrangements at the moment are to choose between living with your own parents or the in-laws deciding where to live can be very tricky and confusing. For some of us the answer to this question may be very simple, "Of course I would choose my own parents! Why would I want to live with my in-laws?" However, everyone is different and some of us may have a much harder time trying to decide where to live. It can be difficult to make this decision because firstly, you do not want to cause any trouble or make your decision seem like one set of parents are better than the other. Secondly, you want to take into consideration how living with the parents or the in-laws may affect your own marriage.
Deciding where to live as a married couple can be a very stressful task in itself and when you add family into the mix that can make it ten times more complicated. With this question in mind, we asked a few women who have had to choose between those two options in the past what they based their decisions on and how their experience was for them. Here's what they said:
"I chose to live with my own parents based on the fact that there would be less conflict when I am with my own parents. If I lived with the in-laws I would be scared of conflicts happening especially with the mother in-law because we might have different views and it might get worse now that I have a child. Living with my own parents is a lot nicer and now that I have a baby my mother is very helpful as well. Plus, my husband does not have a problem living with my parents, the only thing negative thing for him is that he ends up feeling like he cannot be the man of the house." - Wife, newly married and currently living with her own parents.
"Of course my parents! Because women and their mothers usually stick together while the men tend to leave their own homes." - Wife, have lived with her parents the first 3 years of her marriage).
"Of course I'd choose to live with my parents. Initially I thought there was no way I could do anything I wanted if I lived with my in-laws. There was no way that I could finish my grad school while being pregnant and living in their house (HORROR!). From my own experience the truth is that my husband ended up feeling like he couldn't have the role of the leader of the house because he wasn't living in his own home. And since it was my parents' house, we needed to follow the rules that my mom has set. But, I am grateful because by living with my parents, I am more able to trust them to babysit my daughter if I have to leave her for work because honestly, I don't really trust my in-laws when it comes to that." - Wife, currently living with her parents.
"I have had the experience of having my son in law living with me for a few years and then having my daughter in law living with me for a year. From my own experience if I had to choose which one I preferred the answer would be having my son in law living with me. Why? Because I felt that my daughter in law could not see me as her real mother and therefore, there was always some kind of gap. Whereas I always treated them as my own children, but I always felt it was easier for my son in law to see me as his mother, not mother in law. And I also think it is because us women invest more emotions and feelings into this whole living situation, whereas men tend to be more nonchalant about it." - Mother with experience on having both son and daughter in law living with her.
"My answer might be a bit different to other people's because I chose to live with my in-laws instead of my parents. My reasoning was purely because I don't have the best relationship with my parents and living with them after being married would really tear the relationship apart (mine and my parents'). I love living with my in-laws because they are incredibly supportive, respectful and does not in any way try to meddle in our marriage. I think I am pretty lucky in that sense. Of course, I would love to be able to live with my parents if I truly had the choice but that wasn't the case for me so…" - Wife, currently living with her in-laws but plans on moving out soon.
The Common Perception of Living with the In-Laws
After speaking to several married women who have had the experience of having to choose and live with their decisions, it is apparent that the first thing they preferred would be to live with their own parents. The first reason seems to be because of comfort and familiarity – our family is often the group of people we feel most ourselves with so of course we would want to live with them. However, what seems to also be another big reason for not living with the in-laws is due to our fear of having conflicts with our mother in law. To us women, it seems that the mother in law can seem quite intimidating and therefore makes us feel a little bit restricted to be ourselves as a woman and as a wife to their son. Also, with mother in laws, they seem to have more of a tendency to meddle, feel resentments when there are conflicts in their son's marriage and are more sensitive towards how their daughter in law acts in general around them. Mother in laws also might often have a hard time not being the only woman in the house and the most important woman in her son's life anymore. This isn't 100% the case for everyone of course as there are always exceptions however, it is certainly a very common perception towards living with the in laws.
How to Decide What's Best for You?
First and foremost, it is important to evaluate the relationship you have with your own parents as well as your in-laws. It really does depend on the type of relationship you have with them. If you are super close to your in-laws and find that they are very relaxed and generally respectful of your marriage, then it may work better to live with them. Some of us might also be incapable of living with our own parents because we may not have the greatest relationship and when that is the case it can take a toll on our marriage. Not every in law or mother in law in particular will meddle or treat you with any hostility because again, it all depends on the relationship that you have with them to begin with. At the end of the day, whatever makes you and your husband most comfortable is what's important, the decision you both make must be mutual because if someone does not feel comfortable with the living arrangements it can take a toll on your marriage. For example, if your husband really feels bothered with not being able to feel like the man of the house then that is something to take into consideration. Remember, that you are in this marriage together and deciding where to live is a part of compromising. We may not get what we want completely but at the very least we prioritize the happiness of our marriage first.
Overall, there are many benefits of living with either your parents or your in-laws, which are similar. One of which is being able to strengthen the bond within the family. Being able to help out with any bills, house chores or other activities. You, the spouse and your parents can benefit from having someone to talk to when there are problems in life - they can provide a shoulder to lean on. If you have children in particular it will help to have someone you know, love and trust to watch him or her in case of an emergency. Therefore, whichever set of parents you and your spouse end up choosing, there will definitely be benefits in both choices. It all simply depends on what you as well as your spouse feel most at ease with.
