If you ever saw the movie Stepmom (1998) starring Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon, the stepchildren-stepmom-biological mom relationship was described full of intrigues, and it needed some time for them to get along. Rejections and challenges kept coming, which mostly started from the children side.If you are currently in a relationship with someone who already has a child, this can be frustrating. However, in order to be accepted by the stepchild, and at the same, his/her existence is also accepted by you, it is not impossible. Here are some tips.
Ask your partner a lot about his/her child
Before meeting with your future stepchild, make sure you have quite known him/her by asking your partner some questions. Besides getting information about his/her age, school and hobbies, also ask about something profound. For example, how is the relationship between your lover and his/her child, or what kind of relationship the partner wish you to have with the child. Even though there is no formula to forecast if a relationship will sustain, at least you have most of the information for a good first impression.
Don't rush
Other than a good first impression, make sure that you don't be overacting and rushing the child. Stan Wenck and Connie J. Hansen, authors of Love Him, Love His Kids advised to have a brief meeting. A long-day first meeting is not suggested. "If the child feel pressured or think they might receive things excessively, be careful it might backfire or even reject your existence," explained them. "Let the child decide the relationship pace. If he/she is ready, he/she will let you know. This is way better than a rejection." It is very important to have each other's respect in the first place.You are not expected to have an active role as a parent because this is mostly possible after one or two years.
Give time to grieve
Whatever the cause of the separation, by divorce or death, sadness and disappointment are normal for the child. It is much common when the reason was a divorce, as what Patton Thoele said in the book The Courage to Be a Stepmom."It's crucial to note that their grieving process sometimes includes trying to destroy a new marriage with the hope that their parents will see the light and reunite."
Try to see the perspective for the child's side. A marriage and family psychotherapist, Mary T. Kelly, explained that the stepchild's rejection, indifference or non-involvement with you isn't about you. "This would most likely be happening to any partner their father chooses and is more a projection of the grief and lack of control they may feel about their parent's divorce and subsequent repartnering," she continued. By acknowledging it, you might understand and be patient because everything has its own time.
Create a vision that involves the child
Jenna Korf, an author and a certified family coach, expressed that of the cause of the difficulty in accepting the stepchild is that they were not in your life plan or vision. "Take your time and start rebuilding with a more accurate picture of how things are. Envision how that will affect other areas of your life like vacations, holidays and your daily routine." If you work on this,the child will most likely feel your positive intention and will reach the other way around.
Appreciate his/her positive trait
Believe that even though the stepchild never show any interest to you, he/she should have at least one decent character trait. Is he/she humorous, artsy, or an animal lover? Although he/she rarely shows it, if you notice it, appreciate it directly. Jenna suggested to focus on that positive trait and focus less on the traits you dislike.
Spend time together
After seeing a couple of times, it is time to step on the next level. Try to have an in-depth conversation and exchange interests. According to Wenck and Hansen's survey to 60 stepmoms, the women reported that stepchildren shared information and sought advice from them about issues that they were reluctant to share with either biological parent. Thus, if you have gained their trust and honesty, a great relationship ahead will be well-maintained.
Talk to your partner
Don't forget to always communicate with your lover about the stepchild. Remember, this relationship is no longer only about you and your partner. Honestly express your feelings, worries and concerns with an open state of mind to have a cold-head discussion. It is probably difficult to ignore the impression that your lover seems to be on his/her child's side. Of course, it is normal knowing they have a biological relationship. However, as their biological parent, it is no doubt that your partner understands his/her children inside out. They eventually can give you suggestions on how to react to his/her child.
Overall, before stepping to the aisle, it is better to deeply contemplate about your readiness in building a life with a widower/widow that has children. A harmonious relationship with the stepchild is not impossible, but it needs mature mentality and tolerance.
