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"Dear Bridestory, my history with men has not been the best. The amount of unhealthy relationships I have been in is getting to a point where it's becoming too much. I don't understand why I just keep on attracting men who aren't good for me. I try to always give people the benefit of the doubt but the longer I stayed with them the more hurt they caused me in the end. I'm getting really tired of this pattern I am constantly in. Is there a reason for why this keeps on happening or am I just super unlucky?" - BadPastGirl
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Dear BadPastGirl,
Well, it is interesting that you called yourself 'bad past girl' because the good news is that even though you have had a pretty rocky past with men and relationships this does not indicate that your future will be the same. The reason your future will be different and better is because you will make changes. To help you make the necessary changes, here are three very important points that you will need to take on board if you really want to break that pattern of yours.
The first problem that you most likely have is in thinking that you have no control over your own happiness when the truth is that you do. The quick answer to your question is that no – you are not just unlucky. Instead, you have very much chosen to be in relationships with men who are completely wrong for you. You may not be able to control who you attract, but you can always control who you give your heart to. The solution for this is to have yourself a standard of the types of men you will allow into your life. What morals and values must he have? How would you want him to be with his family and his career? How would you want to feel around him? Ask yourself these questions and stick by your standard.
The second problem that you may have is in ignoring the red flags during the beginning of the relationship. Red flags can come from two things; the guy's actions and your intuition. What most people tend to do in unhealthy relationships is ignore both those things over and over again. The solution for this is to always trust your instincts and see a person's actions for what they are. Whenever you have a passing thought telling you, "I don't think this person is right for me" – listen to it. If a guy you are with is consistently hurting you – he is trying to show you who he is. Remember, you always have control over continuing to be with someone who makes you feel sad or to end the relationship when these red flags pop up.
The third problem you may have is in having the belief that you do not deserve any better. What you tell yourself about the kind of person you deserve to be with will very much influence who you allow into your life. For instance, if you have the habit of telling yourself, "I don't deserve a guy who's loyal, successful, attractive, kind and loving at the same time as they most likely won't like me" then you are right. The solution to this is to value yourself. Change the habit of telling yourself you're not good enough into you are good enough and you do deserve the best. What we believe we deserve will manifest itself into reality. So, wouldn't you much rather believe in the positive instead? The moment you change your belief system, the more you will expect and only accept men into your life who are good quality men.
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