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Newlyweds Sarah* and Michael* had been married for a two weeks now and they have yet to 'seal the deal' when it comes to sex. They're married, but they're not having sex.
Prior to their marriage, Sarah had been saving herself for her husband and was very much looking forward to the wonderful experience she thought they would have together. Out of curiosity of what to expect on her first sexual experience, she had spent a lot of time asking her married friends about their own sexual experience so she could learn from them. However, instead of feeling excited or expectant, the information that she received from her friends at the time, unfortunately, made her feel worried and scared. She had been told several times about how painful it will be for first timers and that it usually would take a long time until she could enjoy it. Having zero knowledge about sex in the first place and then being told that it will most likely be painful had mentally traumatized Sarah and made her feel truly worried.
When her wedding night finally arrived, she was unable to allow herself to get physically intimate with her husband. Now, two weeks into the marriage, they still haven't had any sex. It doesn't so too great, does it?
This story is not an uncommon one. Sex is such a personal and private as well as unique experience for everyone that when we take in the wrong information about it and it scares us, it can really taint what could be a great experience with our partner. A lot of newlyweds go through the same. Marriage is like entering the unknown, and asking other people who have been through it, seems to be the best and safest form of getting information. However, we forget that since sex is a personal experience, theirs might not be the same as ours. When our friends tell us about the painfulness and discomfort of their sexual experience, it can scar the expectation we have for our own. That's why it is important to gather information from a subjective, non-biased source.
There are a few problems you may encounter by not preparing yourself with reliable information about sex prior to getting married. The key is to be careful about what you look for and where you look to get information.
What Kind of Information Should We be Looking for?
Most of the information out there tends to lean towards the more theological or relational aspects of sex. Although those sorts of information are decent and good to know, they can be quite blurry. What might help us more are information on the practical 'how-to' aspects of sex or more specifically how to do it well and how to mutually enjoy sex. The questions you could look for instead could be on how to communicate your sexual needs to your partner without it being awkward. How to know what your partner's desires in sex, how to feel more sexually comfortable with yourself or how to make sure you and your partner connect emotionally during sex. Notice that these questions lead to answers, which will specifically help you enjoy the experience of sex, rather than only giving you factual information or theories. When we ask the right questions, we will more likely get the right answers. The next step after knowing what you want to look for is to know where to go to for the answers.
Where Should We Go for Help?
We could ask the right questions but when we are not careful about where we go to ask those questions, the answers we will get might also be unhelpful. There is nothing wrong with asking our close friends or family members for information on sex, however, we must bare in mind that the answers we will get usually tend to be very subjective. Depending which person you go to asking for information, you might have a positive outlook on sex or a completely scary one. Instead of gambling on what sort of subjective answers you might get, we would advice going to more credible sources such as doctors, marriage counsellors or even classes on sex. Doctors will be able to give you more factual information but also advice on how to take better care of yourself physically in order to experience great sex with your partner. Marriage counsellors can help you see how sex can strengthen the bond you have with your husband and in return helping you to face the many challenges of your lives together. Attending classes where they speak about sex in marriages might also help you to feel less alone as there are many other couples going through the same thing. It will be far more helpful receiving information from people who are more objective and do not give answers according to their own personal experience.
Keep in mind that your sexual experience with your partner will be different to everyone else's and that is okay. There is no particular standard or a right or wrong way to go about having sex, which is what makes it unique and wonderful at the same time. So, with this information in mind, are there any other sources you tend to go to for help regarding sex, which you have found to be helpful? Are there questions you have in mind but are too scared to ask because you feel embarrassed?
Send in your anonymous questions to editorial@bridestory.com and we'll post an answer to it in our Heart-to-Heart Talk segment.
*names have been changed to protect our sources
