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"Dear Bridestory, I have recently started dating this guy, it has been about 5 months now. To me this relationship is fairly new as we are still getting to know each other, but my family is pressuring me on getting married as soon as possible. I am 27 years old – I know that it is about time for me to settle down but I'm just not sure yet. Marriage is what I want but I still want to date the person I am with to see how the relationship progresses. I am confused. Should I just get engaged as soon as possible or wait until I feel the timing is right?" - PressuredIntoMarriage
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Dear PressuredIntoMarriage,
First of all, feeling pressured into doing anything you are not completely sure of is never a nice feeling. Secondly, the fact that this pressure you are feeling is to do with marriage brings in an even heavier burden on yourself. We absolutely understand your predicament when it comes to wanting to please your family but thinking about your own happiness at the same time. When those two things clash, it can be very difficult and create stress. We can see how much your family must mean to you, because otherwise you would not even feel this confusion or be asking this question. However, our advice when it comes to marriage is that you and the person you are with must be very sure before you enter it.
It sounds like your family has some concerns over you dating first until you are ready – they seem to prefer you to just get hitched. Perhaps it would be a good idea to have a serious chat with them to talk about the exact reasons for their concern. In this conversation, you could also explain your side of the story – about how you need to get to know the person you are with and the relationship you are in better. Communicate to your family why you have made the decision to wait until you are personally ready yourself. Explain that marriage is not as simple as finding any decent guy – it is about compatibility, chemistry, compromise and the ability for the both of you to commit. Do not expect your family to change their minds after one conversation – this conversation must happen regularly until they really truly understand your point of view and respect it.
You must remember that marriage is not just for a few years or until you get what you wanted from it, it is forever – for as long as you both shall live. Notice the word 'both' in that sentence? It means that only you and your partner are undergoing the marriage itself. Yes, your families will become a unity once you are married however, the two most significant people in a marriage will still remain to be yourself and your partner. And if you enter a marriage for life with the idea of pleasing other people (even though they are your family) you are excluding the two most important people of all – your partner and yourself. A marriage can only work when two people want it, ready to make the commitment and are happy to undergo it. When the only reason or the biggest motivation for marriage is to please someone else, then we would suggest that you rethink your decision.
