Photography: iStock Photos
"Dear Bridestory, I have been feeling so insecure lately. My boyfriend still keeps in touch with a few of his ex girlfriends and considers them as his friends. He hangs out with them sometimes and treats them the same way he does his other friends. This makes me feel uncomfortable and worried that he might still have feelings for them or them spending time together might trigger old flames. He does not see it that way of course and he had said that if I were to be friends with my exes he wouldn't mind it either. Should I be worried or is it absolutely normal for us to be friends with our exes?" - JealousGirlfriend
--
Dear JealousGirlfriend,
The case of the ex is always quite a complicated, uncomfortable and confusing territory that most of us would rather not have to deal with. Therefore, it is absolutely understandable that you feel uneasy and worried about your boyfriend's friendships with his exes because having to deal with your partner's past is an unpleasant experience anyway. What seems clear is that you and your boyfriend have very different ways of viewing what is and isn't appropriate when it comes to interactions with an ex. He sounds like he is quite relaxed about it, while you on the other hand may be a bit more careful and wary. The key is in finding a way that works for both of you without either party feeling uneasy.
It is important for you to have a talk with him about how his friendships with his exes have been making you feel. Try not to make the conversation sound like you are accusing him of anything though because that will only backfire and make him defensive and angry. Instead, calmly communicate to him about how concerned you have been and how you hope there could be a solution to the situation. Your boyfriend has the responsibility to make you feel as okay as possible when it comes to this because it is a more sensitive subject. He cannot simply dismiss or expect you to just 'deal with it' because that's not how a relationship can succeed. He must be able to take your feelings into consideration and respect it.
Furthermore, friendships with an ex must always be handled carefully. It must take a person with high self-awareness and high self-control in order to be able to have true friendships with past lovers. If your boyfriend is the type that gets easily influenced by his surroundings then he might not a person that is even capable of having platonic friendships with his exes. However, if he is the type of person that knows how to create boundaries, is sensitive to your needs and is aware of when the friendship is starting to become borderline inappropriate then he might be more equipped to handle it. Your boyfriend's friendships with his exes must also include you in the picture. If you feel excluded and unable to be a part of their friendship then something fishy might be going on. And if at any point your boyfriend feels the need to hide or keep things away from you when it comes to talking or meeting up with his exes then again please, be wary.
No matter what, at the end of the day, your feelings must come first. It isn't about telling your boyfriend what to do and what not to do but it is about setting clear boundaries so that he does not one day do something he might regret.
