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"Dear Bridestory, I need help in controlling my need to always criticize and get mad at my boyfriend. I feel so bad and guilty every time I get annoyed at the smallest things he does but sometimes I just cannot help it! I have become this nagging girlfriend who I'm sure does not make my boyfriend feel great at all. The thing is that my boyfriend can do everything correctly but I still get annoyed and still nag at him. Why am I like this? How can I stop being this mean girlfriend and be loving towards my boyfriend again? Thanks for your help!" - MeanGirlfriend
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First of all, the sad truth is that us women particularly once we have a partner tend to become easily angered, annoyed and frustrated. Nagging our partners has become sort of second nature to us and we often view it as a sign that we care and love our partners. However, although our intentions in nagging may come from a good place – the result of it especially done overtime can instead do more harm than good. Sometimes being the 'mean girlfriend' can turn into an everyday routine and it can be a very tough pattern to break. However, you are already in the right path in that you are aware how a change is necessary in order for you to be a loving girlfriend once again. You have already mastered the first step to change, which is to see that there is a problem and that something needs to be done.
The next step for you would then be to practice self-restraint by hitting the pause button whenever you feel the urge to lash out on your boyfriend. You always have a choice in how you want to react to anything that's going on around you. That choice lies between the moments you feel triggered to the moment you say or do something (reaction). Perhaps for now the gap between your boyfriend doing or saying something that annoys you and you reacting aren't big enough to allow you to think things through before saying/doing something you regret. Your homework would then be to create an even bigger gap between the trigger and your reaction to it. This is possible by taking a minute to pause and deciding which path of reaction you want to take. You can take the angry path (which seems to come automatically for you right now) or the more wise and calmer path (one that you must consciously choose more of). The more you understand that your reaction to things are 100% under your control and no one can essentially make you do/say things you may not want to say (not even your husband) then you will simply be more careful.
Lastly, what we would like to advise you on is to dig deeper and ask yourself what it is that you are really upset about. Often times, it isn't the way your boyfriend pays too much computer games or the way he chews with his mouth open or whatever it is that he does. The reason you are getting so easily angered might be because of something bigger and perhaps something, which you may have yet to explore yourself. If you still find yourself getting mad at your boyfriend no matter how much you try to calm yourself down – there might be something more to it. Talk it out with your boyfriend and really get down to the real reason for why little things trigger your anger so much. Sometimes you may even find that the answers do not have anything to do with your boyfriend or your relationship. Sometimes the real root cause of the problem might even have something to do with your past, your parents and how you grew up. Whatever the issue is – talk it out, get to it before this goes on any further. You will find that once you are able to work on the real issues, you will be far more loving and definitely less 'mean' towards your boyfriend. Good luck!
