Photography: Thinkstock Photos
"Dear Bridestory, I have been together with my boyfriend for a year now and I guess things are going okay. What I am worried about though is that he is starting to be more and more controlling of me. It started off with him not being okay about me being friends with guys. He asked that I cut contact with all my male friends and I did just that. But now, he is demanding more things from me. Like, not wearing make up, or heels and deleting pictures of me with any guy friends and stuff. I know logically speaking what he's doing is not good, but maybe he's doing this out of love? At least that's what he told me. What do you think?" – ControlledGF
--
Dear ControlledGF,
Well, first of all thank you for sending in your question because you are most definitely not the only one who is in a controlling relationship. Some people often feel that when they are in a relationship, they have earned the right to 'control' certain aspects of their partner's lives. It could be to do with who their partner is friends with, where they go to hang out, what they do for fun, what they wear, or what career they want to take, etc. It isn't easy trying to convince yourself that your partner is doing this out of love or out of good intentions because let's face it, no one likes to feel 'controlled' by anyone. So, to figure out what you can do to move forward here are a couple of points we would like you to take into consideration.
The first is to admit that, yes, your partner is controlling. However, the question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you will be able to handle his restrictions? You might be able to handle it in the short term, but will you still be able to do the same 10, 20, 30 years from now? What we can tell you is that if you want to have a future with this person, marriage will not make things better. If anything, marriage will make your partner's controlling behavior even worse. You will be left disappointed if you assumed that with time, he would somehow change his mind. The longer you stay with him and allow yourself to be restricted, the more controlling he will be.
Secondly, we can tell you for sure is that objectively speaking, what he is doing isn't coming from love. Love is not meant to be restricting, controlling or manipulative. Love is supposed to be based on trust, mutual respect, and acceptance of one another. So, if you are asking whether this is coming out of love or not the logical answer is that it isn't. In fact, it might be fear. Your boyfriend seems to have an immense fear of losing you and the thought of not being able to control you scares him. This is an issue that he has within himself, which he will need to work on personally.
At the end of the day, the decision lies with you. You are the one in this relationship so you know it better than anyone else. If you can say with 100% certainty that this man makes you happy and you can see yourself handling the restrictions he places upon you forever, then, by all means, stay with him. But, if you have even the slightest doubt about whether this will work in the long run or not, then it is important that you discuss this with him. Either you both decide to solve the issue together to come up with a better solution or you make a decision to walk away. Whichever path you decide to take, make sure it is one that you feel most comfortable with and that makes you happy. Good luck!
Send your anonymous questions to editorial@bridestory.com with the subject: Heart-To-Heart Talk.
