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"I need help! I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years. We have been on and off throughout those years but have always been in love with each other, regardless. Most of my friends do not really like my boyfriend because they think he's a jerk. I guess that they're right, but I just can never see myself leaving him and I don't think that want to. We argue quite a lot and I would find myself crying at times but I always go back to him because I really love him. How do I know that this love is 'true love'? Is it possible to build a future with someone who at times would hurt you? Thanks!" - ConfusedGirlInLove
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Dear ConfusedGirlInLove,
It seems that you and your boyfriend are in a relationship where the chemistry is very strong, however there is a definite lack of compatibility. This is why no matter how much you both may not truly get along, the attraction is still very much there and difficult to ignore, hence, it is easy for you to go back to him. Many are in relationships such as these, however, the mistake that they make is in getting chemistry confused with love. Chemistry is there whether you like it or not; we do not choose who we have chemistry with. When it comes to love, however, it is more than just a feeling. It is the way we align our actions with how much we care for the person we love. Logically speaking, would we ever want to hurt or cause pain towards someone we claim to love? No.
Love in its genuine form does not hurt. It involves no pain. It sure does involve chemistry, but to make a relationship successful and filled with happiness, chemistry alone will definitely not be enough. Other important aspects such as trust, compatibility, acceptance, compromise, commitment and friendship all play big roles. You and your boyfriend may have your own opinion on what you both consider to be love. However, since you are confused at the moment as to how "real" this "love" is in your relationship because it creates a lot of pain for you, our biggest advice to you would be to not mistake a mediocre version of love with thereal thing. You will know when true love knocks on your door because there will be no hesitations or doubts about whether it is the real deal or not. You gut instincts will just feel it – it's almost like being 'home'.
Don't settle for a mediocre version of love, because the real thing exists. By staying with someone just because you love that person regardless of you being happy or not you will miss out on having true love. And now, regarding building a future with your boyfriend, if you cannot be happy with him right now then you will never be happy in the future. Five years being with someone is not a short time to give him or her the opportunity to treat you better. We can see how much you care and love this person, but the question we have for you is this: do you love yourself enough to put yourself out of a bad situation? If you find yourself feeling mostly unhappy and only sometimes happy then that is already a big red flag and a preview of how the future will be. Do not deprive yourself of the real deal when it comes to love. You deserve so much better than this, now it's just a matter of you believing it or not.
