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"Heart-to-Heart, help! I think I married a mommy's boy! He is unable to say 'no' to his mom, he has to run things by her first, and he sees no faults in her whatsoever. To be honest, all the above behaviours do not bother me that much but, what hurts me the most is the fact that he compares me to his mom a lot; my cooking, how I clean the house and even how I am supposed to be with him as his wife. I thought he would eventually stop, but lately it has just been getting worse and I am really running out of patience. I don't know what to do... Should I talk to him about this or just learn to accept things as they are?" - PatientlyWaitingDaughterInLaw
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Dear DaughterInLaw,
Your question is a very important one and we are certain a lot of women are in the same position as you are. To answer your question - yes, you should talk to your partner about this. He should know how you feel, as he may not even realize him saying these things hurt you to begin with. To communicate your feelings in the best way possible, make sure you focus on your feelings only and use 'I' statements when talking to him. Instead of saying, "You made me upset" say things like, "I know you probably don't mean to hurt me, but I need to let you know that I feel really sad and upset whenever you would compare the things I do with your mom".
Your husband should be able to see that it is not even about his mother at all, but about how the things he say and does hurts your feelings. As you said yourself – out of all the behaviors of a mommy's boy what hurts you the most is the comparison he makes. If he handled this in a more diplomatic manner then things should be better. Let him know that there is nothing wrong with liking the way his mom does certain things, but that you also have your own way and it's important he respects that about you. At the end of the day all we care about most is how we treat each other in the relationship regardless of how much we hold certain people on a high pedestal.
Furthermore, remember not to see your mother in law as a competitor. Your husband will most likely always place his mom on a high pedestal -trying to get her off of that stage will only hurt him and your relationship instead of making things better. It is not your job to try to change his mind or how he sees his mother – that bond and relationship should be left alone. Instead, what could potentially and usually make things better is if you stayed close to his mom. You don't have to be best friends with her or force yourself to spend all your time with her – but it will be helpful for you to get to know her better as a person. Doing this will help you understand his mom better and even perhaps learn a few valuable things from her as well.
