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"Dear Bridestory, I will keep this short – basically, I have cheated on my fiancé. It was an affair that lasted for a few months. I have ended the affair but have yet to tell him about it. I need advice on whether I should be honest or keep it to myself? And if you think I should tell the truth then how do I handle the relationship? I really want to make this relationship work and I regret what I did. Please, help!" - UnfaithfulPartner
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Dear Unfaithful Partner,
Oh dear, you must be feeling all sorts of emotions right now and you clearly have a big dilemma on which decision is best to take. It is great that you have decided to end the affair and stay with your partner. Now, it is about knowing how to move on from this in the best possible way and make the relationship work again for the future.
To answer your first question, in almost every case of affairs, confessing your indiscretions whether you have ended them or not, is the best option to go for. The relationship's future will not be a 'calm' one otherwise, because you will always have a huge secret in the back of your mind, which will create an underlying tension whether your partner is aware of it or not. Make sure you are completely honest about the affair and you do not leave things out, because if your partner finds out more information about it later on down the line – it will be yet another dagger to his heart, so, please, save them that pain by telling the whole truth now.
If after telling the truth, your partner decides to stay in the relationship, this does not mean you can relax, instead you should expect to work extra hard for a good while. You need to earn your partner's trust yet again. Depending on the type of person your partner is, he may or may not feel the need to constantly be on the loop; to know where you are, what you are doing and who you are with. Your partner may also be feeling a lot of anxiety and panic whenever you try to convince him you are telling the truth. Be understanding of your partner's worries and needs for the time being – as it is the aftermath of experiencing a betrayal.
However, it is important for the both of you to still have boundaries in the relationship. If it gets to a point where your freedom gets taken away and your privacy no longer becomes your own for a long time, this will not be a healthy way to handle things. Yes, your partner can be worried but not to the extent of controlling everything you do. It may help him now but it won't help either of you in the future.
Commit yourself back to the relationship and work on the issues that are there. Cheating is a decision we make; it does not happen 'over night' or 'out of the blue'. Most likely than not, cheating is a reflection of your state of mind as well as a reaction to what may be missing in the relationship. Instead of looking for solutions outside of the relationship and with other people, refocus back on your partner. Work on the issues you guys have, whatever they may be, and fix them together.
Lastly, it is vital that you forgive yourself for what has happened. Yes, it was a mistake and it is one that caused a lot of pain however, you must move on as well. When you do not forgive your own mistakes, you will keep beating yourself up and you will no longer be the partner that your fiancé needs you to be. If things do get a little bit too overwhelming for you and your partner to handle, we suggest going to a professional and getting help. Sometimes, it may take another person outside of the relationship to give you both some great perspectives. By this point, there is no harm in trying after all.
