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"Dear Bridestory, my boyfriend and I have been together for a few years now – I am very happy with him and we have a great relationship together. The problem is that we come from different racial backgrounds, I am Indonesian and he is Chinese. Our families don't exactly get along because they both see the value in being with someone of the same race. His family prides themselves in being Chinese and the same goes with my family in being Indonesian, which has been causing our relationship some friction. How can we make our future work in terms of having two different racial backgrounds, when our families will not accept it?" - IndonesianGirl
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Dear IndonesianGirl,
First of all, the situation you are in with your relationship, where you are personally happy but the people outside of it aren't, isn't a rare thing. Unfortunately, there are moments in our lives where we may feel that we are doing what makes us happy and what we feel is best for us, yet other people feel differently. The difficult part of this is the fact that the people against your relationship are your and your partner's families. You sound very content and accepting of the difference in race that you and your partner have, it is just a matter of getting both of the families to be on the same boat. It is a difficult task to do, but not impossible.
What you and your partner need to do before anything else is to understanding the intention behind your family's unwillingness to accept this relationship. It may be good to have a talk with your family (and your partner with his) about their exact concerns regarding being with someone of a different race. Is it because they feel that if you were to be with someone of the same race, your future will be easier? Is it because they personally have had bad experiences with people of different race? From the way you have described things, it seems that their concern may not necessarily be because they see you unhappy or because this relationship has a bad influence on you. Find out what it is that they are worried about. And try to understand where that worry comes from without taking their reasoning personally.
If the concerns of both you and your partner's families have nothing to do with you being unhappy and they still cannot accept this difference, then what you must do is try to understand that they are acting out of fear. Perhaps, they fear that the difference may cause problems, if it's not right now, then it's later in the future. Perhaps the reason has a lot to do with their own fear and nothing to do with you, which unfortunately, you cannot really change.
The only way that you can help prove to your family that the difference of race will not be a problem is only through actions, not words.
Lastly, you and your partner should think about what you both really want and feel is best for the future. Yes, a difference in race can bring its own problems, but problems exist even when your backgrounds are exactly the same. It is not about the difference, but about how you both perceive the difference. Do you both embrace the fact that you come from different cultures or do you see that as a barrier? The minute you see something as a positive thing, you will react with positive attitude. At the end of the day, only you two know the relationship well, not your families.
The key is in making sure that you both are happy with one another and make each other better people. Your families will soon see that themselves, but it just may take a bit of time and you both will have to be extra patient. If you feel the relationship is worth keeping, then do what you can to protect it. You both deserve to be happy.
