Did you know that domestic violence is in the top 10 factors that cause divorce in Indonesia*? Even though the data showed that the lawsuits came from mostly wives because they were the victims, domestic violence can also afflict husbands.
Violence generally draws out from an unhealthy conflict. The conflict itself is actually a normal thing in a marriage. However, some conflicts involve emotion which makes a husband or a wife not able to control his/her verbal or non-verbal attitudes towards his/her spouse. Rini Hapsari Santosa, a psychology consultant from Enlightmind, shared various potential unhealthy marriage conflicts.
Physically, verbally, psychologically, sexually or economically abusive
An attitude is possible to be categorized as an act of violence if it causes a feeling of being threatened, ashamed, hurt, ignored, exploited, isolated and helpless. Someone's relationship pattern is indeed an accumulation of different life experiences, but couples mostly turn a blind eye to this condition. Therefore, in many domestic violence cases, it needs a very long time (even years) for couples to realize that an abusive act indeed exists in their marriage.
Non-existence communication
Interaction between husband and wife becomes limited, there is even no chance for interaction or communication because each of them is busy with his/her own activities. Or, either the husband or the wife tends to avoid conflict by being unresponsive, discontinuing a conversation, leaving the house, isolating him/herself, or asking/putting someone to "solve" the problem. This unhealthy conflict can lead to a mental abuse where someone does communication with the intention of attacking or underestimating his/her interlocutor, rather than understanding and having a purpose to solve the conflict.
To avoid the seeds of above violent conflicts, Rini recommended some suggestions that can be practiced on your marriage:
Spare a me-time
Healthy and balanced physic and mental condition support you and your partner to develop effective communication.
Know the source of the keep-coming conflicts/issues
Minimize the intervention from external or third parties, such as parents or a friend. Allow your partner and you to express the feelings, analyze the situation and independently look for solutions.
Choose a neutral wording
Avoid sentences that have an intention to judge your partner, such as "You are insensitive" or "You never listen to me".
Use the first pronouns
Choose pronouns "I" or "me" to point yourself when saying an opinion. For example, "I'm disappointed..." instead of "Why you are always..."
Have an open communication
From everyday activities to thoughtful topics, spare time for that and make yourself used to ask and say your feelings to your partner, as well as to express your love and cares in daily life.
*) Direktorat Jenderal Badan Peradilan Agama Mahkamah Agung
If someone you know, or even yourself, is currently experiencing signs of domestic abuse, do not hesitate to reach an official emergency contact in your area.
