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Being in a marriage, you hope to grow old with your partner and that inevitably comes with some changes. Neither you nor your partner will stay the same forever. One of you might one day want to take up something new – be it a new hobby, a different career or even a new lifestyle. But, what if your partner isn't supportive of what you want to do? What if, for some reasons, he appears to be against this new thing you want to experience?
It can be one of the most difficult things in the world having your partner not be on your side. It's hard enough to take up something unknown to yourself but to not have the support of the one person you expected to be your number one cheerleader, can really take a toll on your relationship. How do we handle an unsupportive partner? Below are 5 things to take into consideration when you feel you are in this situation.
1. Understand that you may have differences in how you show support. Before you do anything, it helps to take into consideration the fact that you both may simply have differences in how you show support. We all have our own primary love languages and if the love language you have is different to your partner's then you both may clash in showing support as well. First thing's first, is to pay attention to the ways he does show his love/support – is it through act of service or does he show it through his words? Be aware of your own needs as well when it comes to support and see whether or not your partner has been serving your needs or not.
2. Let your partner know how you feel. For all you know, your partner may have zero ideas or clues that lack of support has really caused you stress or discomfort. Instead of jumping into conclusions or accusing your partner of not being supportive, it helps if you have a conversation with him simply letting him know how you have been feeling lately. Focus on how you feel in regards to how he has been behaving or speaking lately, which may have caused you to feel that he was being unsupportive. It helps to start by saying, "I know you probably didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but…" or "I know you probably had the best intentions at heart, but…" This way your partner won't get defensive and he will be much more able to understand where you are coming from.
3. Let him know clearly what type of support you need from him. Sometimes your partner may simply not understand what it is that you need from him when it comes to support. Men cannot read minds and so often women expect them to already know what to do or what to say without them having to be told. However, if you want your partner to be able to help and support you – you need to let him know what you want very clearly. If it is his words of support that mean the most to you then tell him that. If it is he helping you in your journey to a new experience then tell him that. Let him know that his gesture would mean the world to you and you would appreciate it so much. The more specific and clear your needs are to him the more he will be able to actually cater to them.
4. Ask yourself: Are you expecting too much from him? As much as you may need support from your partner, it helps to also check yourself and see whether or not what you are asking from him may be too much. Sometimes, you may want to do something, like taking up a new hobby or starting a new diet, but because you are feeling unsure about it yourself, you may then project that onto your partner. Making you feel like your partner should be supporting you way more than usual because you happen to be struggling a little bit. Remember that it isn't your partner's responsibility to make you happy or consistent with what you want to do. The control should be with you, not him.
5. Think about it: Are you supportive of him also? When your partner tends to be unsupportive of the things you want to do, it helps to ask yourself if you are also supportive of him? Your partner may have some underlying resentments towards you due to previous times when you may have been unsupportive of what he wanted to do in the past. Support must happen both ways – if you want to receive it on a regular basis regardless of what you want to do then you must be willing to do the same to your partner. Otherwise, it starts to become lopsided when only your partner does the supporting whilst you don't.
If after all the discussion and letting him know exactly what it is that you need from him as well as being supportive yourself but your partner is still being unsupportive then take this as a bit of a red signal. An unsupportive partner will bring insecurities and fears thus affecting your confidence. If he cannot at least try to support you in work and in life generally, it is time to rethink the relationship.
