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It is a common belief in the field of romance that we are incomplete beings without a romantic partner. The idea that our lives simply cannot be as happy and joyful until that someone special comes into it is nothing new. We have been made to believe that we must go looking for the missing piece to our puzzle and only then will we feel truly fulfilled. This belief has led a lot of people striving to find that special someone to complete the things that are missing in their lives. With this belief, we often would look into our partners in order to make us feel happy and content, to make our dreams come true and to give us the love that we feel we deserve. However romantic it may sound to need someone else to complete us, the truth of the matter is that no one else can ever complete us but ourselves. Not only does this belief is in fact not possible; it also tends to lead relationships into a very unhealthy path.
No two people who feel incomplete as individuals can come together as a couple and build a loving and long lasting romance. A truly happy couple consists of two very happy and content human beings who feel perfectly fine on their own, but choose to be together anyway because they want to share their lives with one another. To build a strong and solid relationship that can last a lifetime requires two complete individuals – nothing less than that. The minute one or both people in the relationship feel like they would be less of a person without their partner is the moment that the relationship loses its balance and strong foundation. When you go into marriage thinking that your partner will complete you, then your marriage will be a bumpy ride. No one should expect anyone else to complete them as a person. We all need to be complete before entering a committed relationship if we hope for it to be a success. Here are a few examples of what expecting someone else to complete you may look like in real life:
Scenario #1. Feeling unhappy alone. If you feel miserable alone, there will be no amount of love, attention, care or validation that your partner will be able to give you that can make you feel worthy as a person. What will most likely happen in your relationship is that you will begin to be incredibly dependent towards your partner for happiness. The problem is that no amount of efforts on their behalf to show you how much they love you will ever be enough for you. You will keep seeking for validation in them that you are not able to give to yourself and it will be an endless battle. You will look to your partner for your only source of happiness, but that source will never be able to truly give you what you need. The truth is that no one else can make you happy but yourself. When you are unable to love yourself, you will struggle to receive love from other people no matter how much they try to show it to you. Your partner at the very best can only put a band-aid on the problem however, they will not be able to solve it for you because only you can do that, no one else.
Scenario #2. Feeling you need to be with your partner. You should want to be with someone, not need to be with them. Once again, we have been made to believe that the idea of not being able to live our lives without our partner sounds very romantic and sweet. However, this is what often leads us to staying in relationships, which are clearly not good for us. A lot of us end up staying in unhealthy relationships because we feel incomplete otherwise. This need creates dependency that is without boundaries. When you think you need someone, you end up making sacrifices and letting them walk all over you because you think that is the price you must pay to have them in your life. But, the truth is that you actually do not need anyone because you can be perfectly fine on your own. The belief that you cannot "live" without your partner brings such a dead end to the possibility of the relationship not working out. We must be able to be realistic and handle the fact that people change and some relationships simply do not work out and that is OK – you will be OK.
Scenario #3. When your partner feels complete without you but you don't.
Remember, that it takes two complete people to make a relationship great. When there is lack of balance between a couple with one person feeling content and the other does not, there will be a lot more problems in the relationship. Sure, it may seem like a great combination in that you will both balance each other out, however in reality this combination rarely ever works. The person in the relationship who feels incomplete will often become possessive and jealous of their partner. When we feel insecure with the person that we are, we will try our very best to control any possible threats that may take away our security blanket, which in this case is our partner. Instead, of being able to be happy for them in return, we will instead feel threatened by the idea that our partner might find someone better. This belief in that we are not good enough by ourselves will often lead to controlling behaviours as it stems from our fear of losing our partner. We must be able to be happy with ourselves and know the worth that we have as a person because only then will we be able to be a secure partner in the relationship.
Now, that we understand the potential damage in believing that we need someone else to make us feel complete, we can begin to focus on feeling complete first before entering a relationship. However, to some of us this goal of feeling complete without anyone else's help may be a little bit difficult. First of all, feeling complete means feeling happy and content with oneself. Feeling like you are absolutely fine with being alone and do not need someone else to make you happy. Now, this feeling of being complete is only possible when there are constant acts of self-love. Self-love is loving yourself every single day and not needing validation from anyone else but yourself. Below are some tips and advice for how you can love yourself better:
1. Make a conscious decision to love and honor yourself. Decide right then and there that you will commit to doing all that you can to make sure you know how much you are worthy of your own love.
2. Start telling yourself what you love about yourself. You really have to look in the mirror and be kind because what you see in the mirror is often what we see in the world. Our acceptance of others, disappointments in others, our patience with others are often reflections of our acceptance, disappointments and patience with ourselves. Love yourself and you will be able to love others.
3. Forgive your mistakes and past self: Forgive yourself for what you think you did or didn't do and focus on what you will start doing right now. When you confront the dark parts of yourself and work to banish them with the light of your own forgiveness, you feel simply be fearless.
4. Prioritize your own happiness: Do something every day that makes you happy and stay clear from people and situations, which lower your self-worth. You have to experience life under your own terms first before you can be life-giving to others.
5. Be kind to yourself by accepting your flaws, the things you cannot change and loving yourself anyway. Sometimes we can be our biggest critics. Learn how to stop criticizing ourselves so much and be kind instead. Treat yourself the way you would to your best friend. If you would never say the things you say to yourself to your own best friend, then why would you say it to yourself?
6. Focus less on winning the approval of others: Learn to be aware that not everyone we love will agree with us every step of the way and to be OK with it. You alone give yourself permission to be happy and to live the life you want.
This must carry on throughout your life – even if you have found the right match for you, you must carry on taking care of yourself. When you continue the journey of self-love, you will give value to the relationship much more. You will be a much more loving and happier partner.
It is not about relying on yourself so much that you do not 'need' to have someone else in your life. But, it is about putting yourself first and catering to your own needs as best as you can, before being able to do the same to another person. Don't expect anyone to complete you. Be complete before you enter the relationship. It is neither of you or your partner's responsibility to complete one another. It is not any of our jobs to 'make' our partners happy. To put that kind of responsibility on someone else's shoulders would be such a burden that no one can really ever fulfill.
