Photography: Eduardo Huelin/123rf
When you are in the dating phase, you hope to get to know your partner well enough to see how you both can have a successful future in marriage. You often feel that if you and your partner can survive the issues you face today, surely issues in marriage should be just as manageable. However, the truth is that marriage is another different ball game and requires new sets of skills for couples to succeed. There's definitely a difference in some of the things we argue about now and what we will end up arguing about with our spouse once we are married. So, what are the most common issues couples argue about once they get married? Are they really that different to the issues couples have during the dating phase? Below we describe 6 of the most common fights couples have during marriage and the solutions that can help prevent it from turning into something toxic.
Scenario #1 - Finance
The number one driving force of couples getting divorced is due to money – lack there of (or in some cases, an abundance of) and differences in how we manage our finances. Even when the D word doesn't get mentioned, the subject of money can have couples really going at it in their fights. The arguments can go from one of you not making enough money to support the family to one of you is making a lot of money and not being fair enough on how much you give to your spouse.
Solution: Most of the time it isn't even about money but our fear of not having security for our future or not feeling appreciated enough by our spouse. There are two steps on how you can solve this problem before things get worse. The first is to actually focus on the real reason you get so ticked off. Ask yourself, is it really about the amount of money he/she spends or is it to do with your fear of having an unstable future or feeling like your partner does not love you enough unless he provides you with more money?
The second step is, instead of arguing about the amount of money that was spent on who-knows-what, shift the focus towards deciding on a set amount of money for each spouse to be able to use without accountability. Whether that is $100 per month or $50 per month, this way you both can know that you have this amount to spend on whatever you would like to spend on.
Scenario #2 - Household responsibilities
Most fights about chores because one spouse is keeping score on how much they have done in comparison to their partner. So, you feel like you do most of the household chores while you feel your partner doesn't do enough. You then eventually start feeling under appreciated, resentful, angry and him not helping you with the dishes could all of a sudden be a trigger for WW3 to happen in the house.
Solution: Keeping score on how much you do around the house will only set yourself up for disappointment. House chores do not have be split 50/50 by the way. If you are much better and faster at doing the dishes, then you do them. If your partner is much better and faster at changing the light bulbs or trimming the grass outside, then let him do it. You could just focus on the things you are good at and actually don't mind doing and vice versa. As much as we would like our partner to be able to just 'want' to do the dishes without us having to ask, sometimes we just have to speak the honest truth and say, "Please, help me with the chores, I would really appreciate it."
Scenario #3 – Personal Habits
Now that you are living together, your partner's normal habits, which you mostly knew about when you were still dating becomes their annoying habits. Sure, you want to be able to accept your partner completely, along with the way they leave their dirty clothes everywhere, the way they never put the toilet seat down or the way they chew so loud. But, since you got married doing that is easier said than done. You don't want to be a nagger to your partner but then you find yourself nagging all the time.
Solution: Choose your battle. Yes, it is annoying to see something that bothers you over and over again but when it comes to your partner's personal habits, you just have to let it go. There are so many other bigger things in marriage that needs your attention and energy. If you allow yourself to be bothered by the way your husband has been doing things his whole life, you will end up exhausting yourself. If your partner bothers you that much, then just go to the other room for a little bit. None of us are perfect and you are always going to find annoying habits in every single person you are with.
Scenario #4 – The In-Laws
When it comes to the in-laws the fights couples have are mostly about not feeling things are being done fairly. One partner could feel that they spend more time over at their in-laws compared to their partner. One partner could also feel that their in-laws are way too domineering when it comes to getting involved with the marriage. Couples not only fight about having to deal with meddling in-laws but over where to celebrate the holidays as well.
Solution: Work as a team and prioritize your marriage. It is not to say that you can never side with your parents or you can never disagree with your partner but at the end of the day your partner must feel that they have your ultimate support. It helps to see things realistically as well. You cannot expect to have the same relationship with your in-laws as you have with your own parents, and that is okay. You do not need to be extra close to them; you just need to be civil if you find it that difficult to bond. And if something must change with the in-laws, be sure that it is your partner that does the talking since he is their son. Parents are more likely to listen to their own child and actually make a change.
Scenario #5 - Children
This is one of the most touchy subjects that couples often fight about because of how much they just want to do right by their kids. Couples fight about how strict or lenient they should be, when and how to discipline, which type of education they want their kids to have, and all kinds of other issues. We tend to repeat the way our parents were to us and this can cause a lot of conflict because our partner may not agree to a certain way of handling things because of what they have been used to.
Solution: It helps to talk about the way each of you grew up and how your parents were. This way you both can understand why you prefer things to be done a certain way with your own kids and vice versa. Remember, that you do not always have to parent the exact same way; differences can exist. Decide together on which values and principles are most important and commit to responding as a united front. When there are disagreements it is vital that you discuss it out of the children's sight – your arguments are not for them to watch. If you have arguments in front of the kids, they will be more inclined to not listen to either of you or even worse play you against each other to add fuel to the parenting fire. Once you reach an agreement, stick to it.
Scenario #6 - Sex
Couples often fight about not having enough sex or not getting enjoyment from sex due to lack of emotional connection. The most common reasons couples say they do not have sex that often is because they are either "too tired" or "not in the mood". Whenever one partner is in the mood and wants to have sex, the other partner often isn't feeling the same way. Lack of sex can eventually lead to feeling distant and sexually dissatisfied and when couples leave this gap in their sex life to go on it creates other problems in the marriage.
Solution: You both must make sex a priority in your marriage. Have an open conversation about how you both can turn each other on more sexually. If fatigue or mood gets in the way, ask each other if there is a time in the day or days in the week where sex would be to your preference the most. When it comes to lacking the emotional connection during sex, again, talk about what is getting in the way of that. Could either of you do something to help each other get that fire going again? Talk it out. It may sound cringing to talk about sex in such a detail, but again, if it's a priority, treat it as such and make time for it.
Conflicts in a marriage are bound to happen, it is just inevitable. And if you do find yourself fighting over any or all of the above subjects, remember that all you need to do is talk it through with your partner until there is a solution you both are happy with. Each time you overcome these conflicts together, your marriage will only get stronger so, push on through, things will be much better after that.
