Photography: Jen Huang
It is a common fact that the more you know about your spouse, the closer you can be. So, what do you see in your spouse? If you see the strengths and potentials, congratulations – you are on the right track. However, for most people it is so much easier to recognize someone's flaws and weaknesses. Perhaps, it is the natural consequences of couples that choose to stay together over the long haul: you see things clearer. It is perfectly fine to realize that he is someone with flaws – but trying to 'fix' your spouses is not a good idea, and here are the reasons why:
1. Growing resentment
Remember the first time you met each other? During courtship, all you can see is perfection. You saw stars in his eyes, and melody in his voice. Now, when you picked on his behavior instead of validating his strengths, he would find himself in unsettling dispute over and over again – thus, the growing resentment. Anyone who is put under agitating complaints will feel unappreciated and disrespected.
2. Lacking of equality
When someone tries to change the other person, it puts the relationship on unequal footing. One person thinks she knows what's best – while the other person thinks he is being controlled, and vice versa. The lack of equality in a relationship will eventually kill the intimacy.
See also: THE ART OF APOLOGIZING: WHY SAYING 'I'M SORRY' IS NOT ENOUGH
3. Repressing potentials
Surely, being in a relationship means wishing the best for each other, and it is possible that your suggestions to change several things can be equal to love. However, trying to change your spouse will only repress the real potentials in him. Sadly, it contradicts what you are trying to do – because by fixing him, he will only be afraid to explore more of his potentials. He would see that you will not be supportive of his failures, despite of his chances to succeed.
Thus, instead of 'fixing' your spouse, it would be better to try different approach: appreciating. You fell in love with each other for a reason. What was it? How do you complement each other? After all, everyone wants to feel loved and accepted – and have our feelings validated. Love and acceptance bring out the best in people. On the other hand, criticism and control would only bring out the worst.
It is true how people say, "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards." Hopefully, both of you enter the marriage with your eyes wide open. You know what you are dealing with. You accept each other's strengths and weaknesses. Ask yourself: Without changing a thing, are you willing to spend the rest of your life with this person? After marriage, to keep your eyes half-shut means to tolerate your spouse's flaws and weaknesses instead of magnifying them. Scale down the big things, and eliminate the small things.
