Photography: Ashley Victoria Photography
Just like any couple Greg and Erin Smalley have had their fare share of squabbles in the first two years of marriage. But their devotion to each other helped them find alternative solutions to resolving their issues such as seeking professional help.
"About three years into the marriage, we weren't even sure if we were going to make it. So we sought the help of a counsellor and shadowed a married couple who helped us understand healthier ways of handling conflict. The support of our mentor couple was priceless because we just lived life alongside of them, learnt from them and felt supported by them," explains Greg who serves as executive director of Marriage and Family Formation at Focus on the Family.
Embracing that your spouse is not the enemy is a good foundation to begin with. This way you cast your doubts aside and work toward finding win/win solutions for matters at hand. Here are a few more tips the Smalleys offer to master the art of conflict management.
Communicate your expectations
Expectations are only dangerous when they are unspoken. When we are unaware of our expectations, they can cause havoc in any relationship. Always voice out your feelings in a rational way. Don't play mind games, play hard-to-get and expect your other half to read your mind. Begin doing the things you desire to see your spouse doing. For example, if you want connection, pursue your spouse. If you desire him to honour you, then honour him.
Don't agree to disagree
We believe that there is a more effective way to "agree to disagree" and that's adopting a "no losers policy." This is a policy in your marriage that you agree that "no one will feel as if they are losing when decisions are being made." In essence, you are agreeing to find solutions that you both feel great about and approach decision making with an attitude of recognising that "we are on the same team."
Never say I told you so
No one likes to start a conversation with negativity. To mitigate confrontation, try to avoid starting sentences with "No." And never begin an argument with "I told you so" "You always" "You never."
Don't point fingers
The blame game will lead you nowhere that is productive so the first step is stopping it. It literally is a waste of time because nothing will get solved. It will keep you stuck arguing about who's fault this situation was. So, if you want to take the "high road"— step out of that power struggle and ask questions about how your spouse feels or seek to understand what the experience was like for them. You will never lose by going after their heart.
Be the bigger man (or woman)
A great marriage is made up of two healthy individuals. However, it only takes one spouse to influence the overall environment in the marriage. You cannot control your spouse — but you certainly can influence them in a more positive way. Instead of asking, "How do we have a better marriage?" try asking "How can I be a better husband or wife?" It's amazing when one spouse starts trying different behaviours or attitudes — it has a huge impact on diffusing the situation.
Don't sweep it under the carpet
Some couples think the best defense is sitting on the sidelines and letting the situation diffuse by itself. The more you leave the problem alone, it will fester and magnify at a later argument. No one likes a cold war or their problems trivialised and swept aside. If you think the problem is serious enough for a proper discussion, address it now and nip it in the bud quickly.
Get a third party opinion
The impact of marriage counselling on both husband and wife, together or individually, is an insightful and rewarding experience. You will discover things your loved ones may not have pointed out and be given fun exercises to do to help open your hearts to each other.
Have a great post-makeout session
The connection and intimacy that sex leads to in a marriage is irreplaceable by anything else. In order to pursue an intimate relationship with your spouse, it must be a priority to you. Make time for sex. Do it often and in ways that feels good to both of you!
Focus on the Family offers counselling services, personalised coaching programs and marriage preparation workshops for engaged couples. Get advice and guidance from family and marriage experts at (65) 6336-1444.
